this is me

this is me
this is me

Saturday, 27 February 2010

retro post

time of the month
by bigusdikus » Mon Feb 16, 2009 2:06 pm

was at the gym near town today,jjb.i go most had a real good work out and left at about 1pm,walked through town to pick my car up. stoped for a pie then moved i finished my pie i chucked the remains at a bin,part of the paper missed.two police women spotted the incident and both looked at me as if to say well come on pick it up.they stood with arms folded and gave me a dirty look.i was going to pick it up but did not like there attitude so i carried on walking.they soon caught up with me."excuse me"...EXCUSE i turned and said go on then tell me off.the hobbie bobby got on her high horse and spouted public order, litter and some other bull.i just lol.i could see they were getting annoyed.anyhoo they told me to go back and pick up this small piece of here's what happened next
what do you two think you are gonna do if i dont.the actual police woman threatened to arrest me.i then said well look girls i'm 42 just been to the gym and i'm knackered but if you can catch me i'll let you arrest me.
they looked at each other bemused,and sort of in a if to say well what do we do now.i stolled off at a brisk pace,then one made a lunge for me so i was on my toes.i sprinted for about 10 yards and it was all over

i might sound like a bit of a *bleep*.the fact is i had every intention of picking the litter up.until these two pathetic excuses for a police force gave me of them was clearly over weight and the other was a fat *bleep*.thats why the persuit lasted only seconds.i pay there wages to fight crime and uphold the law catch the odd criminal.these girls could not catch a cold,or fight there way out of a paper must have been that time of the month.lard ass police women are a jok

retro post

dumb and dimber
by bigusdikus » Sun Mar 22, 2009 12:49 pm

just been listening to the wife and daughter.they opened a letter from argos to find they had been charged £12 for missing a direct debit payment then the bank are charging another £25 ...and interest on both accounts .bill and ben -- dimb and dumber.they do my heed in
i have told all my girls NEVER set up a DD and only if you must set up a standing order.the reason the charges are being applied is because argos took the money out of the bank 4 days before the agreed date.try telling them that and it falls on deaf ears.these scum bag companies have you by the balls once you give them your details.then you try and have a conversation and come to some arrangement that cost's you on a premium rate number.and its like talking to a handbag/brick wall they are thick as pig dooda.


jon terry, the rat, must come out of todays game a different man. his game has suffered over the past 3 weeks. he has to put it behind him, draw a line through it, beg for bridges hand, play like a man. england is all that matters

the spetrum, part 1

whats the difference, whats right, whats wrong? i know men, who would think nothing of slitting your throat, i also know men who weep at a sad bullies, who make kids school days a misery, the cock of the school, who would not hurt anyone, unless pushed. some think its fine to lead a life of thieving,others become saints, you get the picture.

the church, the government, our parents, all teach, and all give guide lines. they tell us how we should act, they lay down laws,draw lines in the sand, and woe betide, just dare and cross them.

in the not to distant past, we ate our food raw, because we were hunter/ the not to distant past, if you crossed the line, you were murdered in cold blood(later known as sentenced to death) without trial. i think i know good from bad,wrong from right, but i am beginning to question myself. for example, who am i to say, the yanks were wrong to torture terror suspects?who am i to say abortion is wrong?who am i to say anything? i have my opinions on how life should be, and if everyone lived by my rules, then what a crazy world this would be. the thing is, why should we live by anyones rules?

its all about control..............tbc

Friday, 26 February 2010

free bet so hurry

because of the high volume of traffic(cash) through my betfair account, they have given me an exclusive offer, but only till the end of feb.i have copied the email below. its basically a free £50 bet. so what you waiting for................

Username: narsiccus

Dear Neil,

Referring friends to Betfair has always been a nice little earner, and until the end of February we’ve made it even sweeter.

For the rest of this month we’re offering a 50/50 split on all referrals! Just get a friend to join Betfair, via our Refer And Earn scheme, then once they wager £50 on the Exchange we’ll credit you both £50!

That’s it… simple. To take advantage of this limited time offer:
Speak to a friend
Get them to register using your unique referral code 6GT4XMKRE
Get your friend to spend £50
Wait for the cash to roll in
What are you waiting for! Tell ALL of your mates about Betfair and get in on this offer before February ends!
The Betfair Team

6GT4XMKRE use this code b4 the end of feb

chapter 8

the vegas trip had been planned for months, by now it was 2 weeks away, and kyle was getting ansious.he knew i was skint, and was worried i was gonna ruin it for him, he kept pestering me, saying jimmy d would take my place, do a name change, ffs kyle i'm on it. it really was crunch time though, the holiday was paid for, just needed spends. my mum was the last option, she was allways good for a couple of ton. as the date approached, kyle became increasingly annoying, ringin every day, some time twice a day. teadious, kyle was in his late 20s, and by now i was 40+ but he looked up to me, and i think deep, down he knew i would not let him down, (to be honest, i,m surprised she let him come, they are expecting their first child in two months, maybe its his last blast.) but imagine my rage when "just in case, as a back up" he invited jimmy fuckin denton.

jimmy was a big time dealer(or so he thought) to be fair, he was making big bucks out of dealing coke. he had moved on from selling £30 grams, and was now dealing in ounces, maybe even kilos. i disliked him because he let everyone know he was the man. the idiot did not have a job, yet he was driving round in a range rover sport and a 3 series bm. any time soon he was gonna get lifted, and i did not wanna be around. unlike other bruisers i know, their was no mutual respect, i was me, and he was he, i fuckin hate pretense

i was lookin forward to vegas, so stuff it, i'll be playing poker most of the time. we all made our own way to the airport, a direct flight into mccarran, before i had had my first pint, kyle had asked 3 times how much i was carrying. i took him to one side and told him $900 and that was it. we were only there for five days, so i figured it would have to do. kyle had $3k plus plastic, jimmy had about £10k from what i could gather, none of it changed to dollars(muppet) sitting at the bar in the airport, we made plans, and more plans. the one thing i will tell you now boys and dont forget, what goes on in vegas, stays in vegas..... agreed? i reiterated on the plane

the trip over, was uneventful, i had popped two tomazipans, and had four lagers at the airport, so all i remember is kyle waking me so i could see the hoover dam, oh and the grand canyon, wow, sight seeing is not my cuppa. but we were 15 mins from landing(i think i come a little) the excitement grew. we landed and to be fair the US customs sailed us through, jimmy was shitting it, he had not declared all his offences(shopplifting in his early days) exit the airport.

we had arrived at 11am in US money, and the taxis were lined up, jimmy went right to the front and started haggling with the cabbie, it was time i stepped in, jimmy, just get the fuck in the car, lee.... i aint bein ripped off, i'll fuckin pay, i said, just get in, he gave me a dirty look, and obeyed, concider it marking my territory, afterall, he was gatecrashing my party.

this was my first trip to what gamblers refer to as the holy grail, and i was excited(not that you would know) kyle had booked a cheap down town hotel, famous for its poker, the binions horseshoe. the taxi was a 20 minute ride, and on arrival, we were told we could not get in our room until 2pm, no worries we left our bags and went for a wander. we all put our names down for a $1 $2 no limit cash game, and our name's were soon called, me and kyle on one table, our neandathol friend on another. things went badly, within thirty minutes, i had lost $300, and kyle was not amused. fuck me mate, how much have you got letf them? knowing full well the answer was $600, look do not worry, its $120 per day, i'll be fine. meanwhile jimmy d had done a bag of sand,(thats 1k english) and was in a bad mood.

i was first back to reception, and i used some of my magic to procure the room keys an hour early, of course i had an ulterior motive, i wanted the best bed. room 837 was our destination on floor 8(thats easy to remember) and i had kept all the keys to make sure i was first through the door. i let the door slip back on jimmy as i barged in, thinking,hmmm, i want the bed nearest the window, to my horror, it was one single ane one double. once again i marked my territoty, jimmy was fumin, the dummy was out the pram, after losing £1k english and finding he had to sleep with kyle, well, he aint an happy chappy. kyle appollogised and said he no idea, jimmy left his bags and stormed out............

20 minutes later he came back, froffing at the mouth, saying he had booked another room on the penthouse, at $390 and that we should chip in????? i said,as long as we swopped the sleeping arrangements so we could all sample the high life, i would agree, he soon changed his tune, thank god, it was a crap hole, but it was his crap hole.

kyle still had that worried look on his face, but things were about to change we all showered and met in the bar, we decided to play the sahara $65 game which i cashed in, $380 happy days i'm back on track, in fact, in the next 48 hours i cashed in the next 5 poker games i played. i now had $7900 in my back sack, and it was time to party. i rate myself highly as a poker player, so it was never in question(at least from my point of view) if i'm a ten, kyle would be a five and a half, jimmy a two, (who thinks hes an eleven) the results shown this, as kyle was up $1500 and jimmy was down £4k

i was just about recovering from the jet lag, thats right, jet lag is real, WOW, it was wednesday in the AM i think, the three of us were walkin down the strip, when our thoughts turned to fun, well mine turned to food but plans were being hatched. gangster number 1, aka jimmy had been bustin our asses to get some coke, i had been to busy playing poker, anyhow, with a poket full of money i dragged them into a clothes shop, even with a pocket full of dosh the clothes were a bit pricey for what they were. at 8am the shop had just opened and was very quiet, so i got talkin to the guy who appeared to be the proprioter, chatting away i realised sergio was on my wavelenth. we soon got on the subject of coke, he explained he had access to certain amounts.............
the conversation went like this.............
i beckoned the boys over for a bit of moral(support) entray de la maison(i think thats french for get your asses over here) they got the gist. sergio explained he was so sorry, but if we had come in yesterday he had some91% proof ... unfortunatly he only had 76% stuff, and it was $90 a gram. the boys wanted to shop around, my philosophy was, a bird in the hand, ok i said gimme 7, for $500, bit of haggling, deal done

befor i had got out of the shop, jimmy was asking for a sample, come on, i'll tell you how good it is, my shits better than this. we decided against popping in to planet hollywood, and got a taxi back down town. now i've done some shit in my time, and i'd like to think back home, i had access to columbia's finest, however, that was not until we had met serg, fuck me, i had had 10 out of ten before, but we all agreed this stuff was the rolls royce of cocaine, and am i glad we didnt get there a day before ,91% would have killed us, but wadda way to die. my thoughts were, what do i have to go home for? maybe i'll stay. nothing doin in the uk.

we stayed in the room for sevelar hours, ordering room service, doing most of the coke in. we intimated dial a hooker was on the horizon, i rounded the troops and decided it was time to get out on the town, play some cash, maybe eat some food. we packed jimmy off to the penthouse and agreed to rendevou at 830pm at the bar. we made a corperate decision that we needed to eat (really), i decided tony romas was the place to eat, a taxi ride yes, but i'd heard good things. boy oh boy were they right, the ribs the staek the potatoes, all tasted exquisit, none of us finish their meal. we left more than we ate. our thoughts turned to coke, once more.also,
our thoughts turned to fun, with a capitol F, we headed down to the strip.we headed to the belagio for a cash game, it was clear to me, that i was in no fit state to do battle with these guys, they could see we were wired and picked our pockets, with consumate ease. it was here were jimmy and kyle turned into amature coke takers. it seemed every 5 minutes they were badgering me for a line. we only had one gram left, and i had paid for it, so possesion is nine tenths. i told them to get more, so off they trundled down to sergios, leaving me at the bar $500 lighter thanks to the cowboys on table 12. i was knocking them back, but felt impervious to tennasees finest, mr double jack daniels had little effect on me.

a full hour had passed, paranoia was setting in, i was alone in vegas, hmmmmmmm i decided to go look for them, but to no avail. when i got to sergios, the shop assistant told me what she had probably told kyle and jimmy, segio finish work at 6pm and would not be back until the morn. they were obviously on the hunt for more. i happened upon a srip club, why not. before i had got to the bar, i had been propositions by two of americas finest pieces off ass. play it cool lee. i was battin them off with a shitty stick for a least 20 mins, before i surcomed to the charms of natalia and trinity.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................., ,

checking myself to see if it was real, it was, and i'd come out the other end, alive.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

...only a day and a half left, just keep out of trouble,just keep out of trouble, yea

poker truth

the debate on whether or not we played out a poker hand right, or wrong?here's an example..........
average chips=25k you have 16k
you are BB with KK blinds are 1k 2k,its all folds ........
dealer button makes it 5k. he has 33k..SB folds and you RR to 10k, he calls
flop A J 2 off, check check,turn J, you check, he bets 6k you call, reluctantly,
he shows J2 for a full, omg, ffs. you called a reraise with jack deuce, you fuckin raised with that shit?

from the BB point of view, it was played to perfection, you did not put him on an ace, and were right, you slow played um perfect, you did nothing wrong.

the dealer button was thinking steal, he did not expect the reraise, but thought wtf, looking at the BB as the short stack, knowing he will be in no matter what, got lucky.

the reality is, if you are a short stack, or constantly find you are low on chips, its because you are shit, and what do you expect. you are gonna get called with bad cards. i am forever hearing people whinge on about getting ACES beat, or how can sm1 make such a call? ffs i raised 6 times the BB, and you called with that shit????????
the reasons people usually call are
1 you are shit
2 you are short stack
3 several bad plays
4 you are a rock(they know what hand you have)

so to summerise, change your game, stop moaning, get a life... write a bad beat book lol

Thursday, 25 February 2010


big time gamle
by bigusdikus » Mon May 04, 2009 6:02 pm

we have all played the tie your hand down and chop your little finger off game?well anyway this is my biggest gamble
about 10 years ago my brother was based at the wheaton barracks and he invited me and the wife over for new years those days i was a sh1t hot pool player and lined up a few drunken squaddies for the around 3am some guy remembered my boasted and dragged in a rain soaked pool table from the outside.the games went to plan --i won 2 lost 1 and increased the stakes.the shots were flowing and the atmosphere was good until they ran out of cash.winker,a slightly overweight corperal suggested a wager.£350 which they would club together the following day against sex with the of 3/on a wet table/no chalk.what the fu ck lets do it
i gotta say the wife went white,my brother came over and asked if i knew the concecquencses.GAME ON.when i lost the 1st frame i gotta say it was squeaky bum time,however it was an happy ending.and just to show i was not all bad i let them keep £200 and collected £150+the £270 i had won it turned out to be an eventful new year.
some of you wont believe this,the ones who know the wife may ask her about this,she will confirm it
?whats your biggest wager?


5.21 this morning
by bigusdikus » Tue May 19, 2009 4:21 pm

women never cease to amaze.
at 5.21 this morning my wife let out a loud scream(agony not ecstasy),whats goin on girl?my toe my toe.heres the story

three weeks ago she broke her toe in a mountain climbing she went to A/E and had it reset,and as she reminded me a thousand times it was very fecin painful.comparisons to childbirth were muted.i have had three daughters and never felt a thing,dunno what all the fuss is about.
anyhow it seems i had kicked out at her and dislocated the same toe(knew it would be my fault)she had her pj's on limping around in tears.ok come on i'll take you up to A/E.she had woke everyone within a 5 mile radius at this stage,and i was beginning to feel responsible/guilty and sympathetic(and i didn't even know i had feelings) until.................

on one leg she attempts to get dressed and put her fecin makeup on dippy bat just get in the car ...are you mad get in the car.all i heard on the way was"god i hope no one see's me"again i reiterated she had her priorities wrong."yes well you dont have to work there"

we were seen quite quick on this occasion,even though she told the nurse, then the doctor she had a dislocated toe.they thought it best to xray it everyones surprise my wife's initial diagnosis was proved to be wrong(amazing)and it was only bruised,and i thought she was right about everything

the thing is,the vanity on display.not very practical putting makeup on

some jobs should be left to the men,women clearly are a different breed.given the choice to pick my own sex i'd go for the Y chromosome every time (Y being the male ?


by bigusdikus » Mon Jun 08, 2009 5:46 pm

yo guys i'm back, so if easily offended stop reading now.

i found two casino's, there may be more. the holland casino deffo does a tourny every night, could not make a withdrawal on this occasion, did not have time.maybe next time.........

its like a right of passage, doing the amsterdam weekend break. been there, seen it, got the shirt, and at the time it was good, not as good as rotterdam. upon arrival, my initial impression was it was a sh1t hole. but then after a sort of sight seeing tour, i found there is a lot more to it. the architecture for one is amazing. the dutch seem to create a problem where there isn't one. like whats the point of building the thing straight, when we can do it diagonal? dunno how we will do it, but wtf roll another joint and we will finish it. for the 1st time in my life, i found myself photographing sculpture's andother works of art...some were like nothing i had seen before

i dont think the girls would win a beauty contest, probably because would rather read a book, go out partying or something less trivial. the girls were mint, and lots of them.


the bars and clubs pizzed on the english nightlife once again. they really know how to pardy. ended up in the skihut one night, in the centre, talk about if carlsberg made nights out. the bar girls danced on the bar for most of the night, and boy oh boy, it was worth the entry fee.. just about everyone with a smile, not a hint of trouble. of course the coffee shops were there if you fancied a schmoooke. brothels a plenty, 50E a go, if your into that type of behaviour

tried some of there stuff(not enough) it was good, but you can eat whatever food you like out there. they cater for everyone, its multi culture gone mad. and from what i gather, the dutch don't like it.

its very very very hard to learn. did manage about 15-20 words. was havin it drummed into me, but it often fell on deaf ears. i always try to learn the language when i visit a place, but this was tough. i will continue to learn more, so the next time i go out there, i'll really be able to impress..tway groote beer astabeliv--4 large beers if you dont mind..
danke vel ---thanks a lot.....tot ziens--goodbye. plus a few more.if i was my own teacher, i would say must try harder

four hours ain't a long time, car from blackburn to manchester, plane to amsterdam, train to rotterdam, tram to my mate's. would deffo recommend renting a bike, spend a lot of time on one, its a great way to see the city

had to try some whilst i was there, it wudda been rude not to. walked into coffee shop, purchased 15E of white widow, just like buying a pack of fags, smoked a couple of spliffs, i'll leave it there

really worth a visit, its got something for everyone, left out the classified stuff. hope this helps with any travel plans you may have


touchy religious debate
by bigusdikus » Sun Jul 19, 2009 10:16 am

just been watching a debate on the beeb, its going on about schools, how their are now 100 muslim schools in the uk, plus x amount of proddy and x amount red necks. it touched on what we teach our kids, secularism what happened in the US. to be honest, they could be debating forever, no one wins. heres my 2 penny worth
i sent my three daughters to a catholic primary and secondary, because they dished out the best education. i did the same thing with all of them, when they reached the age of 12/13, i told them to fail RE and concentrate on other subjects. i told them that i would take all the flak, i even went so far with one of them, i told her to miss the lesson. heres why, i do not believe as a parent, i have the right to poison my kids minds with religion. i wanted my kids to learn facts not fiction, i wanted them to excel in maths, english, science and languages. if for any reason, when they became adults, they found they were drawn to religion, then ok. it found them, not the other way. what gives me the right to turn my kids into catholics
(catholicism, imho, is the most despicable,treacherous religion of them all)
i chose to give them free will, not ram it down their throats and brain wash them, turn them into fanatics
fact, 2+2 = 4
fact, the sun provides enegy
fact, a day lasts 24 hours
we should stick to teaching what we know, all i know about religion is, it breeds hate and violence, always has done. what a contradiction this is.... the holy wars lol.

ready for your comment


unnatural selection
by bigusdikus » Sun Jul 12, 2009 1:27 pm

i fear for my gran kids, you just never know what you are gonna get these days. life's a box of chocolates.

here's my point, you pull a bird these days and everything seems normal, then you meet her in laws hmmmm, your a bit pizzed at the wedding(or drugged)so it all seems normal. 9 months later out pops Quasimodo (wtf) Charles Darwin did not have this in mind

its not just the women having bot-ox,nose jobs, plastic surgery, the men are spending some time under the knife, turning dogs into super models.
we have all woke up next to frankenstein's bride, usually this does not lead to wedlock, just sneak out the back door and say nothing of it.some openly admit to spending thousands on so called improvements, some don't. so you really don't know these days. whilst in vegas recently, i got talking to a real darlin, who bought me a drink and looked mint, i had my suspicions, to my horror the bar man pointed out it was not even female

to summarise, by the time my grand children grow up, there gonna be a lot of mingers around, with gorgeous parents? parents who tend to melt a little under 100w light bulbs

free bet

because of the high volume of traffic(cash) through my betfair account, they have given me an exclusive offer, but only till the end of feb.i have copied the email below. its basically a free £50 bet. so what you waiting for................

Username: narsiccus

Dear Neil,

Referring friends to Betfair has always been a nice little earner, and until the end of February we’ve made it even sweeter.

For the rest of this month we’re offering a 50/50 split on all referrals! Just get a friend to join Betfair, via our Refer And Earn scheme, then once they wager £50 on the Exchange we’ll credit you both £50!

That’s it… simple. To take advantage of this limited time offer:
Speak to a friend
Get them to register using your unique referral code 6GT4XMKRE
Get your friend to spend £50
Wait for the cash to roll in
What are you waiting for! Tell ALL of your mates about Betfair and get in on this offer before February ends!
The Betfair Team

6GT4XMKRE use this code b4 the end of feb

Wednesday, 24 February 2010


if andy murray ever wins a slam, it will be by default, he aint good enough

Tuesday, 23 February 2010


the plan is, there is no plan. but have decided to publish a few more chapters of my book,soon,or some retro can email me if you like you decide.or join the blog, then you may post a comment

Monday, 22 February 2010

a strange breed

women, what a strange breed you are. was round at a mates last night, drinking beer,having a J, playing poker,laughing out loud. we were in his office, at the bottom of the stairs(nick mac)he came back from the loo, and said, she has a face like a sour apple......LOL i had heard that one before, but not for ages. i tend to use the old, face like a slapped ass.

when i'm hungry, i say something like i am hungry, or when i'm sleepy, i say i'm tired me you know, and when i'm cold, guess what, well i'm sure you can guess. but with women, how are you supposed to know, they never say anything, you gotta guess. whats up, are you hungry?do you need some attention? why not open your mouth and tell us. is it worth the effort? i just don't know.

relationships should have a sell by date, upon meeting the girl of your dreams, take a look 5 or 10 years down the line and the picture changes. do you think for one second, in 10 years, she will be a quarter as rude in the sack, will she still be hitting the gym four nights a week,will she be using your shaver, and not just for her legs,women grow tashes age like a good wine, and as the years pass, tend to improve,esp especially their communication skills(i am hungry), women on the other hand,they prefer the telepathy method. this is when to minds communicate without the use of words, unfortunatly, men have not got the receivers switched on just yet, so the messages are not getting through ladies. as a species, women are a million years ahead, we men have some catching up to do


i think there may be to many adverts on here????????// what do you lot think?

Friday, 19 February 2010


poker is calling me, looks like i am coming off sabatical, blackpool here i come

Thursday, 18 February 2010


watching question time, is like running around in squares


it amazes me in this day and age, why football still only has 1 ref, and 2 linemen.i think the money involved, the repercussions that come from bad decisions mean things must change. one bad decision could mean promotion or relegation, and cost a club millions.

i think we should have 2 refs, one in each half, to keep up with these super atheletes, and 4 linesmen, running paralell. 12 eyes are beter than 6. how can a lineman make a correct call 50 yards away, on the other side of the pitch,with a possible 21 players and a knacker ref in his eyeline

if the linesmen ran parlell, the chance of getting the off side rule wrong, decreases by 50%, the ref would only blow, if both men raised their flag. plus overlapping refs would be able to keep up with the play.

not sure video techknowlegy is always conclusive, and would not want a football match to go on for 2 hours, because of rewinding video


i'm on youtube,

kenneths stag 09

teen lone ski

this was me last year, after a full days off/on piste skiing, so i was pretty fooked


not bad work

was in town today at 1030am, on my way to see a man,about a dog, when i bumped into an old school friend. well, to be honest, he shouted at me as i was passing the st jonhs tavern, a town centre pub, frequented by the local lushes. NEIL,NEIL! you got a light pal. hello shaun, how are you,a nd ffs mate, how many have you had? he was on his "second pint" we chatted about the school days and other bullshit. he explained, he was a registered alcoholic. i knew he had a drink problem, i also knew he had not worked in 10 years, at the same time thinking, i had an appointment(to see that man)that i had just missed. without pressing him, he explained, he gets £331 per week plus his house,rate,gas,electric,traveling expenses, all provided by the labour gorernment.

as i pondered this conundrum, a few quick calculations later, i realised, to live his life, i would have to earn £42,000pa,gross. all this is paid for by the tax payer. what a world we live in. not bad work? if you can get it

future blogs

sex,drugs,rock and roll,fights,gambling. all will be revealed soon

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

women make me LOL

took my beautiful granddaughter mia, to top bananas today. when i got there, i found it was half term(drat)with dozens of screaming rough boys running crazy(double drat)and loads of yummy mummies(result)
got chatting to hayley, inbetween being dragged up and down the obstacle course and on the slide(about 20 times)... when i noticed an old flame, round about the same time she clocked me, i smiled, gave her the nob, and continued to chat to hayley. at the same time, trying to look round corners, because joannes friend, who had her back to me(sat 2 tables away)i had subconciously noticed on the way in, and from the shape of her back, i could tell A, she was young, B, she was tidy, and C, i can't believe what happened next.
at the same time i gave jo the nob, without lip reading, i knew what she had just said to????????? we'll call her sophia, (for arguments sake).theirs a lad over there, don't look now, i have had him! i could just tell. ffs girls, is nothing you talk about everthing? i thought it was only the guys that did that(sad ones) on the plus side, she had obviously been left with some sort of impression, a positive one(happy days)what else do you say, have you no shame?
on a lighter note, hayley has fallen short of the record, 100 guys in a 100 days, only jokin hayles

the brits

liam stepped over the mark last night, and will be remembered for his incolence, peter kay summed it up perfectly, what a knobhead. its not easy playing second fiddle to the legend that is noel
lady gaga managed to cover up her nuts?and gave a low key performance for her standards.
robbie continued to fluff his lines, live performances are not up his street,stick to the studio lad.
JZ, quality
jls, what a set of gimps, i just wanna punch um, they do my head in, successful gimps thought, and slightly talented.
lilly allen, sad performance.
florence and the machine could be a giant in the making,her live performance was the best of the night, not bad for a ginger
cheryle cole,get a life girl. a truely gorgeouse little girl, with very little talent,simon is waiting in the wings
dizzy, you are nutz man

the female of the species

the times they are a changing.noticed a power shift over the past 10 years, or maybe deep down, they have always been in charge. i'm sure there is a word for it? or maybe i'll invent one. women are the dominant species, men beware. the muslim world make them walk three step's behind, and in general, practice subservience, they ain't shovenists, they are,imo, afraid. i shall expand on this subject,further research on the way. do i love bossy women? oh yes

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

how could i forget

just got back from snowy blackburn, bought a new suit for sunday, my granddaughters christening, and i just gotta say, i'll be looking the dogs bollox. its not that often i get the chance to ware a suit, so i thought i would make the effort. its not an armani, but it will do. shoe's, shirt and tie completed the outfit, and the gentlmans fitter in the shop, said the cut was perfect for my frame?

making my way back to the car, i spotted a familiar face, if i said maggie may(rod stewart)this may give you an image of how she looked. hello,how are you? hmmmmmm, hi neil,you have forgot my name have'nt you?hmmmm, its? its, she said, i wont torture you, its lindsay, ah yes, i would have got it(eventially)we exchanged pleasentries, and moved on. as i did move on, i thought, jees, she has aged, the moring son, when its in her face, always showed her age.

lindsay was a strange girl/woman, i remember her from my sutties days. i always knew it was nailed on, but the fact she was so hard to work out, plus i was with angela at the time, nothing ever came of it. she was, and still is ten years my elder. she reminded me of sharon stone, except, she cant afford the surgery. lindsay, in a way, stalked me, in so much as, she would stand across the dance floor, giving me the come on, but i could never understand why. why was this absolute darlin giving me the eye. plus, i could never work out who she was with, a bit scary.

as i got back to the car, i realised, oh my god, i nailed her, i had knocked the back out of her one night, and how could i forget?i had been down sutties, looking for the wifes new boyfriend, blood was to be spilt, and she took advantage, in a moment of weakness, but how could i forget. the fact is she scared me, she was older,beautiful and what the hell she saw in a spotty 20 odd year old, i just dunno. its just mad. she had hunted me down for years, and like a mounty, she got her man, in the end.

the thing is, i overheard a conversation my daughter was having, thats overheard, not to be mistaken for eavsdropping. she said her friend was talking to some guy on facebook, he intimated he would like to get together once more, once more in the biblical sense, she said she could not remember doing him the first time? and shes only 23.(so maybe i'm not alone) the girl does not strike me as a bed hopper, or even a drunk, so it really is a funny old game.
and how is it they can always remember your name?

Monday, 15 February 2010

world cup

its been two weeks + since the news broke, about the traitor/love rat terry
terry and his wife, seem to be over the incident
wayne bridge looks in good form
things have calmed

yet the media, still run stories, front and back page, in an attempt to stir up trouble. they still quiz capello, pushing mike's under his nose, hopes he will tire, and give a true opinion.

this is world cup year, why are the media doing everything to sabotage our chances.

Sunday, 14 February 2010


i'm on a poker sabatical, and its killing me. i am however determined to see it through. all february without poker,with minor lapses. so come the 1st of march, i will be ready to take on the world

Saturday, 13 February 2010


bets made a profit, but not up to swampies standards yet

fa cup

the FA cup today, so gonna mark your card.
CHELSEA, have dropped several players for todays game, but i guess they will still have to much for cardiff.
SOUTHHAMPTON, could sniff an upset today, pompey are like a wounded animal, i think a draw is on the cards
WEST BROM, pushing hard for promotion, do they need this distraction?both teams are in the championship, but which one will want the victory.0-0
FULHAM i think, can afford the luxury of a cup run, home win
MAN CITY ASTONT VILLA should see off their opponents

saturday banker/s

been following the swamiesters predictions, on awop. i think i have learnt a thing or two. so i am gonna try and put one up each saturday.

CELTIC, banker
double them up too

Wednesday, 10 February 2010


yesterday, an 18month old child was mowed down, by an 89 year old driver.its not the first time an octergenerian has commited murder, after loosing control of 2 ton of metal. the mother is in intensive care, the 89 year old was killed to.

i have said it before, in an ideal world, driving past the age of 60, should come under close scrutiny. i would test oap's every six months, and the first sign of the loss of driving ability, withdraw the licience. how many more fatalities before people listen.

i also believe, 17 is to young to be issued a full licience, move the age up to 23/24. teenages are far to iressponsible. this is not taking away civil lierties, just common sense.

wake up, government, all the stupid laws you make, do something right for once


i have just seen the highlights from last nights pompey game, avram grant ranting on about bad refs, again. watching the highlights, on this occasion, i could not agree more, the ref(kevin friend) just wanted TV time, he begged the cameras attension. the night was all about me me me, i am the referee, me me me .... what a fuckin ass.

the man has no honour, and should be demoted. idiot refs, cost clubs millions with their spotlight hugging, and avram was rightly annoyed

Tuesday, 9 February 2010


to all you plumbers.

mention the whole truth

Sunday, 7 February 2010

football tragedy

a friend of my daughters, died last night at the stoke v Blackburn match. he was due to be my granddaughters godfather in two weeks. half time high jinks that sadly got out of hand, he leaves behind an 8 year old son. very sad, a 25 year old man is in custody


for the greater good, of the england team, the press must stop hounding capello. constant questions aimed at the decisions he has made, can do only harm to the england infrastructure. it must be put to bed.

i hope terry will be left out of future england squads, he has committed the ultimate dirty on a friend and team mate, and he has plenty of replacements. a fit woodgate/king could fill his filthy boots

Saturday, 6 February 2010


challange, i have posted on awop, a contest verses the blond poker boys, some of whom i know read this blog. lets get it on

Friday, 5 February 2010

ned flanders

a mate of mine, reminds me of homer simpson. i watched the episode were homer eventially helps ned in the leftorium store, eventially

life is cheap

the toyota debacal, whats all the fuss? some of their cars have faulty brakes, and some have faulty accellerators. one of the toyota bigwigs was on the TV, this morning, assuring the general public, there is nothing to worry about, if you think you have a problem, take the car in, and the garage will have a look. A friend of my,(craig) a machanic, explained, its no big deal, all they have to do is put the car in neutral and blah blah blah blah blah. i got the gist. so to summerise, if i, or craig were driving one of these death traps, it would not be a problem for us, we are big boys, and can handle these minor why all the fuss?

my auntie josey, is 58 years young, and has just bought a new toyota. i would not call her a ditherer, well, not to her face. she trundles around, from house to house, as a mobile hair dresser, for mainly elderly customers. as a fully paid member of the AA, at the drop of an hat, she will use the 4th emergency service, even for a flat tyre. she does so, because she would not have a scooby doo, how to change a flat, nor would she be able to use a mobile phone text, or find a cheap holiday on the internet, thats just the way it is.

so mr bigwig from toyota, how the fec do you expect her to tackle a brake or accelerator failier, it seems human life is so cheap to you, fall on your sword, and recall the lot

Thursday, 4 February 2010


to anyone trying to log on to this site, i spoke to peekay, he tells me the server is down in brum. normal service will be resumed soon

a sunday drive

not last summer, but the one before, that will be 2008 then. me and my not so estranged wife, decided to go for some lunch and a couple of beers. i drove to the rock inn, in tocholes, a nice country pub. we sat outside in the sun, had a few laughs, and had my limit whilst driving, so decided to head off nearer to home. it was to be the usual scenario, sink a dozen, get her merry, get the leg over, get some online poker in. heading away from the idilic country, and back into, about 1 mile from home, and our local boozer(the fernhurst) i stopped at a set of traffic lights, as i looked in the rear view, i noticed mr smart ass, pull along side me to my right, i knew he was going down the road in the same direction, and i also knew he planned on booting his scooby(suberu) the wife looked at me, i looked at the lights, neil, please, just let him go, screw that, i'm having him. he pretended he was turning right, and ignored my glares, but we both knew.

my car, 3 series BMW, 0-60 in 8.2 in the book??? verses, sooped up scooby, 0-60 in 5.1. i stood no chance(lol) little did he know,poor little spotty git, i had had a few modifications done, so the book was out the window. my plan was,i would get the jump on him, and push his car towards the oncoming traffic, forceing him to brake, bottle out, call it what you will, then off i would speed, blocking any future overtaking manouvers, meaning i win. things did not go quite to plan.

from where i was sat, i saw the lights on the other side change, and away i went, sure enough, he was in pusuit, and gaining, you shudda seen the look he gave me, when i pushed his car over to the right, he could not believe and new BM would risk damage to paint work, or maybe a crash, he clearly thought i would yield(think again sonny)the traffic would soon present an oppotunity to overtake, but i was ready.he then seemed to back off, which puzzled me. by this time my wifes screams of excitement changed to anger.POLICE POLICE, you fucking idiot, its the police(i had heard her the first time) i saw the motorcycle cop on the other side, pull over, and was waving his arms at me OH MY GOD, you've done it now.

it was at this point, a corperate decision had to be made, 2nd gear or 4th?(2nd meant surrender) i guess i was doing around 70+ at this stage, and decided the best course of action was to out run the bastard. after all, he was pointed up hill and stationary, i was pointed down and ripping it, whats the worst that could happen?

things took a tinr for the
as i wemt through the traffic lights, at the bottom of the road(on red) only 500 yards from our turning point, and home to safety, i could see around four police cars, on either side of the road, right outside the fernhurst pub, blocking my home run. he bike pig had clearly radioed for help, the wife screamed, bollox darlin, its one of those sunday afternoon, random summer breathaliser stops. some quick thinking was needed(as the plot thickened) now, the wife is one of these, on any given day, i'll be driving, and we will pull into a parking space, or onto the drive(you get the picture) and i will still have to wait, whilst she collects her thoughts, i think it goes like this.

ok, we have stopped
i know this, because he has turned the engine off
right, undo seatbelt
check makeup
get phone
unlock door
check makeup
have i done my hair?
have i got everything?
why is he shouting?
ok, i'm out the car.
all this time i'm stood there like a dick, waiting to lock the car. your tolerance levels diminish after several years of marriage, and the small things bug you. were as, a new, hot, young, sexy bit of totty, well, i guess, at least 30 seconds before they would get the verbals.

so, anyhow, i told her was not going to shout, but time was of the essence, listen to what i say, follow my instuctions to the letter, and you won't go to prison????? take off your seatbelt, NOW, leave your bag, be ready to open the door, me.. i pulled down a side street, oakfield i think, there are about four short streets on the left hand side, inbetween us and the feds. all these streets back on to some woods, the plan was to ditch the beemer, and run, run like the wind. we made it to the back alley, screeched to a halt, and ran into the woods. moan moan moan, thats all she ever does, i'm not going in there with these on(her favourite high heels) i'll buy you a new pair, when? she enquired, as i dragged her in deeper. we lay low, and called our daughter to come and pick us up, we ditch our coats, and she put my baseball cap on to hide her blond hair. we drove past the feds with the wife saying, lets just go home, please, negatory, take me to the pub, i want a victory pint. we pulled on to the car pakr, and heads down and in, she was shaking like a leaf?

the scooby driver was stood at the bar, you mad cunt, you nearly killed me and jake, you are fucking mad, i dunno what the fuck you're talking about pal, with big cheesy grin, right across my face. how the fuck did you get off with that? i'll tell you another time laddy

yes i had had several beers, yes i was hitting 100mph, through the red lights, yes, i was in a police chase, and evading the law. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. by the way, i'm not a drink driver, in my life, maybe four, maybe five times, i've had slightly over the limit(except for this one time, but that a different story)

Wednesday, 3 February 2010


about to embark on a great poker adventure, for the next 26 days, i will give up poker. i can't remember not playing a single day in the las t six years, i aint missed one day. march is my next visit to a poker room, online or live. sponsership starts at as little as £10 a day lol.

wish me luck

the good news is

seriously, i think my poker days are over,(for now) went to bolton last night, played a £20 tourney, which is dragging the barrel for me. did not play bad, but as per usual, found myself at the bar, didn't even have the heart to chat the waitress up(sorry danielle) did not play loose,or tight, mixed it up. must be the opposite the invisible man at the moment, transparent.
the fact is, some will say i was always crap, well its official, i am. i've lost my pojo, (not mojo, don't worry ladies ) god knows how i will get it back.not to long ago, i had the beast in my sights, unstoppable, fearless, refused to take advice, played how i wanted, and still will not change.lesser men would? i dunno

the fact is this, i spoke to a well known, formally well respected, legend of the game, tv personality, once feared poker pro only a couple of weeks back. i told him to kick some ass, as he sat down to play, i think he lost. fuc kkkkk me,(as per usual) do i not wanna go down that road. i am easy pickings at the moment, i have a sign on my head saying, free cash withdrawals here. only pussies take a break.

super system, great book, taught me a lot. don't recall to much about pot odds, or calling fow value, strategy, game theory, in fact, i could have told you that lot, what i do remember is, don't play beyond your means, don't play when you are unwell, don't play when you have argued with the wife. top advice doyle

your dream? its in the post

how could this happen?
only in a dream.
who could have ever imagined?
who could ever of dream't it?
this could never happen,
could it?
that spark of thunder?
like a flash of lightening?
the moment of truth?
it all becomes so clear?
the look you have been praying for?
your dreams become reality.
the point of no return?
no way back.
it takes your breath away.
the fire begins to burn.
the flames will reach the sky.
you know it is so wrong.
yet it is so right.
one look is all it takes.
to take your breath away.
do you have regrets?
maybe not today.


how long do you network per day? just been with my daughter this morning, and she was glued to facebook, whilst her daughter maraded arond the house. i don't think she could do without it. i have some time on my hands, and admittedly, i type some rubbish, but i do have a life

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

my book chapter 21

i got invited down to a mates snooker club one Sunday night, David rajah's, i had been a couple of times b4. i had built the poker tables for him. dj called me, DJ? yes, he was a man of many names, he was a Pakistani, but likes to be called David, or dj, any how, he said as per usual, lee, i got some lads coming down, and there's a spare seat, count me in. it was one of the few places i could play poker and have a beer, i usually got a lift there and a taxi home. the game was a £50 freeze out, which meant 20 players, there was a £1000 up for grabs, not to be sniffed at. djs club is frequented predominantly by Asians, with i guess only 10% whites, this often put some of my mates off playing there, i knew the owner, so it did not bother me. upon arrival, i was greeted by DJ with the usual handshake, hi lee you having a drink, DJ, I'll have what you're having(dj liked a beer) is Phil and his wife playing?i asked, no they ain't co min. what about mick,lee and Jeff? no, i asked but they were busy, he said. so who's here then? well i'm not sure if you know any of them, you'll be soon as he said I'll be ok, the alarm bell started ringing.

we got our drinks and walked through to the back room, i went in first, fuck me, 25 guys all eyes and teeth. DJ said we made the draw, you are in seat 5 table 1, DJ gave me a general invitation to the room, which seemed to fall on deaf ears, he then started to tell me the names of individual players at my table. after two names i stopped him, DJ pal its pointless you lot all look the fucking same to me.that seemed to get the bastards attention. come on guys its only a joke, no sense of humour these pakis. dj was a good mate, I'd known him 20 odd year, and i'm sure he had my back. i looked at this game as easy money, i envisaged me and DJ splitting the spoils, he was knocking people out on t2, i was ko ing them on t1. the plan was (without ever mentioning a plan) meet in the middle. after cracking the racist joke early doors, i felt relaxed, i had to tell some of the brothers on my table(on several occasions) English only can be spoken at the table. this bothered a couple of the boys, but i never thought anything of it. i knocked one lad out, as he was leaving the table he started spurting what i guess was pakki for you son of bitch white bastard etc, i sarcastically said, look lad if your gonna abuse me, i've told you English only. seat 2 chirped in, if we wanna speak our language, then why not? i instantly realised who he was,
it was a guy i had sprayed some internal doors for, he lived in a very nice house, in one of the poshest areas in town. when i picked the doors up i knew this guy was into the dark side, he drove a new BM, and had blokes running all over for him, well done that lad.
20 internal doors , yes pal £900 that's £45 a door, you know i am the best, i knew i was never gonna get £45 a door, but this is how these things worked with them, they love to haggle, oh come on man, you did my cousins for £30, yes but your cousin picked up and delivered, plus they were smaller. after 2/3 minutes the price was set at £35, not bad for a days work(£700 sheets) of course i told him three days minimum. i called him on the thursday, to tell him they were done, cheers lee your a star, just drop them off, my uncles there, tidy, is he gonna pay me? no man, I'll sort it tomoz, im in Liverpool, I'll be back tomoz, yeah no worries, I'll drop them off tomoz them. woh, no man, you said today, yes i know, but i'll need payin first. it was at this point relations broke down, this guy was not used to hearing the word no, he entered into a tirade, threatening to kill me, and the old, DO YOU KNOW WHO i am... i am ... i finished his sentance b4 him, which got up his nose, at which point i told him to fuck off, he ain't getting his doors, then hung up.he immediately rang back, i just clicked him to answer. i knew this would get on his tits, but that's my nature. the thing is for the past seven or so years, not once has a Pakistani, said I'll pay you later. its all cash on delivery, they may hate the English, they may be the worst racists around, but they are honourable and pay in time, and this guy ain't gonna buck that trend. i didn't give a flying fuck who he was, i am the man.

anyway decided to call one of my Asian mates, just to get a bit of info on him. did not like what came back, yes he was into big time heroin, and he was used to guys doing as he said. i had ignored several of his calls, so in light of the new information, decided to ring him, the first thing i said was, have you calmed down yet? yes, now get my doors delivered NOW your fucking money is there,if i get chance I'm coming over, cause im gonna check every one to make sure you did a good job. he was grasping at straws. i said, ok its like this, i'll drop the doors off at 4, you pay me, everyone's happy, end of. he agreed, are we gonna have any trouble? no not as long as you give me my doors back.

it was lunch time, i had 4 hours to decide what to do. i needed the money, but knew it was not over. i thought, should i go alone, tooled up? do i call the feds, explain i could be a dead man at 4bells. decided to go it alone. ye, i can do a bit, but driving up the lane, my butt cheeks tensed a bit. upon arrival, there were two cars on the drive, and three older men out side. i parked the van and went over to them, where is he, he will be here soon, please lee, he has a lot in his plate, he gets angry sometimes, we all know you do a good job. two younger blokes came out of the house(mid 20s)on their mobiles whilst, the older guys were singing his praises, a range rover screeched up and blocked the van in, he got out, mumbled to the uncles, ignored me and went in the house, come on lee, lets unload the doors,FUCK THIS, you lot can do as he says, but not me, as i approached the front door he came out. well? are you gonna get them in or what? well are you gonna get the fuck off your high horse? i was immediately surrounded , well semi surrounded by seven Asian males, look, Ive come on my own that's how i work, if you want some fun, its just me and you, after a theatrical... pause he smiles, as if to say you got some balls,look, i have your money here, just get them in, and I'll pay you. me and his uncles got them in,he inspected everyone(thank fuck he missed the runs lol) he then produced the cash, and started counting it out, i stopped him mid count, listen .. i know how much there is there so do you, we dint need to count. on that he handed it over, no hand shake though. that's the thing about the Indians and the pakis, they pay cold hard cash, no qualms
he through his keys at one of his lack's, and i was allowed to leave, never done work for an Asian since

as i said, he was sat in seat 2, and now i recognised him, he was staring right at me. seat seven chirped in, why English only? come on why? because for one, you're in fucking England, and those are the rules of poker. dj turned and told everyone to calm down. i called over, david, i thought this was gonna be a friendly game, wtf?, dj stood up and gave the room a ticking off, he told none players to leave, he explained the rules where english only, and if you dont like that, you know where the door is

i had known dj for over 20 years, well respected part of the community,when he was not drinkin, gambling, chasing women, he found time to go to the mosque, my type of guy. he had his finger in a few pies in the area, you allways felt safe in his company, trustworthy. this was his club, his rules, and i was honoured to be there, however, for the first time i did not feel safe.
players came and went, we were down to 5, the gangstar, had been bullying the table, he pushed players off pots, because they were afraid of the repercusions. an interesting hand, the gangsta, raised my big blind for the 29th time, and i looked down at 4/2 off suit, ok, this time i have a real hand(lol)come on lets do it, of course 4/2 is one of the worst hands in poker, but you never know.its me and him h/u and the flop comes A J 5rainbow, i check, he bets big, i decide to look for a 3. it comes a deuce, i think fec it,if he pushes im all in, i wanna get out of here any way .... sure enough, hes all in, i insta call, thinkin im behind he turns over Q 7, the last card comes an A and i leave him with very few chips. he had steam comin out of his ears by now, and i knew it would not be long b4 it all kicked off, i humiliated him in front of all his boys, the very next hand, he pushed all his chips in, i found AJ called and finished him off, that was it ww3 he threw the poker table and jumped on me(i was still sat down) did not mind him to much, it was his mates coming over kicking me in the head that pissed me off, DJ managed to pull him off, the barman came in to help. look guys leave now or i get the police. i had a tooth missing and the rest of my face was a mess, but i was still alive. gangsta was being restrained by his lack's, but agreed to leave, 6/7 of them pushed past me to get out, gangsta went for me one more time, i saw a flash, i wonder what had happened, all i could see was lots of blood. then i wake up. i had passed out due to the lost of blood, i thought i had been stabbed but he had only slashed mt chest, the flash i saw was the silver blade, 37 stitches later, and i was back home. i had a score to settle, but it could wait, i wanted to do to him what he did to me, never got the chance 6 months later, his house burnt down, with his wife and kid losing their life along with him, it had been the third time in 2 years he had had to move house, because of the business he was in, only a handful of people knew its location, the police suspected arson, he had a list of men, all in line to do this, the police soon ran into dead ends, the case continues.

but i'm in the clear. i have a multitude of Asian friends, as i do white friends, but you get bad apples on both sides, this guy had slashed me, and one of his lack's had hit me over the head with an hammer, well that's what dj said it was, where he got it from god knows. i survived and live to fight another day