this is me

this is me
this is me

Thursday, 4 February 2010

a sunday drive

not last summer, but the one before, that will be 2008 then. me and my not so estranged wife, decided to go for some lunch and a couple of beers. i drove to the rock inn, in tocholes, a nice country pub. we sat outside in the sun, had a few laughs, and had my limit whilst driving, so decided to head off nearer to home. it was to be the usual scenario, sink a dozen, get her merry, get the leg over, get some online poker in. heading away from the idilic country, and back into, about 1 mile from home, and our local boozer(the fernhurst) i stopped at a set of traffic lights, as i looked in the rear view, i noticed mr smart ass, pull along side me to my right, i knew he was going down the road in the same direction, and i also knew he planned on booting his scooby(suberu) the wife looked at me, i looked at the lights, neil, please, just let him go, screw that, i'm having him. he pretended he was turning right, and ignored my glares, but we both knew.

my car, 3 series BMW, 0-60 in 8.2 in the book??? verses, sooped up scooby, 0-60 in 5.1. i stood no chance(lol) little did he know,poor little spotty git, i had had a few modifications done, so the book was out the window. my plan was,i would get the jump on him, and push his car towards the oncoming traffic, forceing him to brake, bottle out, call it what you will, then off i would speed, blocking any future overtaking manouvers, meaning i win. things did not go quite to plan.

from where i was sat, i saw the lights on the other side change, and away i went, sure enough, he was in pusuit, and gaining, you shudda seen the look he gave me, when i pushed his car over to the right, he could not believe and new BM would risk damage to paint work, or maybe a crash, he clearly thought i would yield(think again sonny)the traffic would soon present an oppotunity to overtake, but i was ready.he then seemed to back off, which puzzled me. by this time my wifes screams of excitement changed to anger.POLICE POLICE, you fucking idiot, its the police(i had heard her the first time) i saw the motorcycle cop on the other side, pull over, and was waving his arms at me OH MY GOD, you've done it now.

it was at this point, a corperate decision had to be made, 2nd gear or 4th?(2nd meant surrender) i guess i was doing around 70+ at this stage, and decided the best course of action was to out run the bastard. after all, he was pointed up hill and stationary, i was pointed down and ripping it, whats the worst that could happen?

things took a tinr for the
as i wemt through the traffic lights, at the bottom of the road(on red) only 500 yards from our turning point, and home to safety, i could see around four police cars, on either side of the road, right outside the fernhurst pub, blocking my home run. he bike pig had clearly radioed for help, the wife screamed, bollox darlin, its one of those sunday afternoon, random summer breathaliser stops. some quick thinking was needed(as the plot thickened) now, the wife is one of these, on any given day, i'll be driving, and we will pull into a parking space, or onto the drive(you get the picture) and i will still have to wait, whilst she collects her thoughts, i think it goes like this.

ok, we have stopped
i know this, because he has turned the engine off
right, undo seatbelt
check makeup
get phone
unlock door
check makeup
have i done my hair?
have i got everything?
why is he shouting?
ok, i'm out the car.
all this time i'm stood there like a dick, waiting to lock the car. your tolerance levels diminish after several years of marriage, and the small things bug you. were as, a new, hot, young, sexy bit of totty, well, i guess, at least 30 seconds before they would get the verbals.

so, anyhow, i told her was not going to shout, but time was of the essence, listen to what i say, follow my instuctions to the letter, and you won't go to prison????? take off your seatbelt, NOW, leave your bag, be ready to open the door, me.. i pulled down a side street, oakfield i think, there are about four short streets on the left hand side, inbetween us and the feds. all these streets back on to some woods, the plan was to ditch the beemer, and run, run like the wind. we made it to the back alley, screeched to a halt, and ran into the woods. moan moan moan, thats all she ever does, i'm not going in there with these on(her favourite high heels) i'll buy you a new pair, when? she enquired, as i dragged her in deeper. we lay low, and called our daughter to come and pick us up, we ditch our coats, and she put my baseball cap on to hide her blond hair. we drove past the feds with the wife saying, lets just go home, please, negatory, take me to the pub, i want a victory pint. we pulled on to the car pakr, and heads down and in, she was shaking like a leaf?

the scooby driver was stood at the bar, you mad cunt, you nearly killed me and jake, you are fucking mad, i dunno what the fuck you're talking about pal, with big cheesy grin, right across my face. how the fuck did you get off with that? i'll tell you another time laddy

yes i had had several beers, yes i was hitting 100mph, through the red lights, yes, i was in a police chase, and evading the law. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. by the way, i'm not a drink driver, in my life, maybe four, maybe five times, i've had slightly over the limit(except for this one time, but that a different story)

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